From now until the end of FY01, all engineering contractors are required tp submit their timecards in person, not via inter-office, by Monday morning by 2pm. Timecards will NOT be accepted on Friday any longer by Payroll. Those who are planning on being absent on Monday will need to have their manager approve the timecard […]

We have elevated the quality of our work, we have added exciting and challenging new clients to our roster, and some of the assignments we were privileged to work on this year continue to inspire our team to excel and push the envelop[e] [Ed: sp!]. I’d say we did quite well in living up to […]

Please note that the [development group] has been redeployed under our new Director of Forward Markets, [name]. Those previously under [name] have been moved to our Customer Service division. The new division created, the [division name], will be staffed as noted by the dotted lines in the diagram. We are currently searching for a new […]

The cleaning person left me a note saying that the coffee pot was left on last night and there was a small amount of coffee left in it. It is very important that we all are making sure that the coffee pot is turned off before the end of the working day. The people in […]

“Create value for our customers by delivering innovative IP based services in a cost effective manner, that illustrates our commitment to a win-win solution and establishes a relationship based on mutual trust and satisfaction. Cultivate our relationships with our extended teams, strive for continuous improvement and offer an environment that encourages our team members to […]

[Company Name] is committed to establishing a heritage of integrity in the marketplace. We will accomplish this by building upon the talents and skills of each company representative to effectively support the diverse needs of our customers. We must also represent our broad range of business products with the utmost of professionalism and offer our […]

[ed: This is an instant classic.] The following email was sent to the staff after announcing a third round of layoffs and paycuts for remaining staff: In these challenging times our “We Achieve” program is a great cultural support. Please recognize people who are role models for our values that are so important: Motivation Innovation […]

Due to rough economic conditions we are required to cut cost to become more competitive, to achieve this we will be performing corporate streamlining.

Please refrain from using our email system to send MP3 or movie files within the company. We are trying to conserve our bandwidth for the website, and it’s expensive as you know. We don’t want any slowdowns or outages because our employees are using all the bandwidth for themselves! Thanks! [President] [Ed: Hey assclown, the […]

[ed: This appears on a boss email signature line. Use this one in a meeting and watch those manager heads nod with delight!] “Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by attacking back.”