Bullshit Job » Boss

Our Big Fat Greek Layoff

Cubed00d — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 20:53:28 +0000

We have a large group of our team who are leaving us for various reasons by the end of this week/month. We would like to have a get together tomorrow at the Big Fat Greek Restaurant at 11:30 a.m. to say our goodbyes and wish them all well in their future endeavors.

It is a pay for your own event. The managers will pick up the bill for the departing personnel.

Boss Boss

Cubed00d — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 01:44:19 +0000

Dear BS Job, three months ago my boss told us that we would produce a draft without discussing the project requirements with the VP first, in our boss’ words to “show we’re innovative”. Then we’d share the project with upper management, “wow them” and “invite feedback”. [Ed: I love how 'feedback' basically means 'harsh criticism' these days.] We did so, delivered on-time no less, and it sat on the veep’s desk for nearly a month. A week before product launch, VP looks at our draft, tells us it’s all wrong, and we have to redo EVERYTHING! Of course the veep blames our boss and the boss blames us, even though we did everything we were told.

Who is Marcia?

Cubed00d — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 17:38:26 +0000

Dear BullshitJob, I am a helpdesk guy at a huge corporate campus…and let me tell you about a conversation between me and my boss regarding Marcia. I’m gonna copy you on some emails. [Ed: Here they are...]

Marcia is having a problem with her machine, can you call her?

Hi, sure, but a few questions:
1. Who is Marcia?
2. What is her phone number?
3. What is the problem she is having?

[Ed: three days later] Have you fixed Marcia’s problem yet?

I still need to know who Marcia is, how to contact her, and what the problem is?

What, she hasn’t called you?

No.

Oh, nevermind. She says it fixed itself.

I still don’t know who Marcia is.

Long Notice

Cubed00d — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 23:52:48 +0000

I knew I was quitting, so I gave 2 month notice at my job. I know, two MONTHS? But I figured it was the right thing to do, and they could hire my replacement in plenty of time. After I gave notice my boss started treating me really badly. I called in sick a few days later, leaving a message on his voicemail, and the next day he changed the sick policy to say we had to personally call everyone in the department (about 7 people) when we were calling in sick.

Effective immediately, anytime you must call in sick you are required to call each person in the department to let them know you won’t be in for the day. You must repeat this each day you do not come in to work. Print out the phone numbers for each person and keep it at home so you know how to reach everyone.

Then my boss takes me aside, tells me I’m doing a bad job. I remind him I am quitting anyway and he threatens to fire me earlier than I plan on quitting, but in the end does not.

Four months later, he emails me out of the blue and tells me he has not found a replacement and asks if I will do some contract work. Of course I say no. I learned my lesson, never give 2 months notice again!

I have not found a sufficient replacement for your position. I am the only programmer currently in the department. Would you be interested in doing some temporary contract work starting on Monday?

New Forms Are Awesome, Huh?

Cubed00d — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 23:27:56 +0000

Embedded within a performance culture is the ability and desire to seek opportunities to enhance performance throughout the organization. I believe the Maximizing Claim Productivity Worksheet we have created will enable us to continue to find ways to improve our productivity, implement changes in a timely fashion and appropriately assess the impact of such modifications.

The leadership and willingness of the plan champions to accept a greater role in enhancing our Claim productivity is a sign of Excellence!

[Ed: Extra strength bullshit bolded for your convenience!]

Letter From CEO Translated

Cubed00d — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 20:50:15 +0000

Greetings to All: I want to thank everyone for their participation in the organizational assessment done by [Expensive Consultantancy Firm]. I have discussed their findings now on two occasions and feel this assessment and the implementation of recommendations are extremely important to our institutional health and viability. I am calling for a facilitated meeting with [the directors] to discuss possible next steps that in turn could be incorporated into formal recommendations to the Board. The assessment has identified a number of key areas for improvement. A well-thought out plan for addressing the concerns and issues brought forward by everyone will help us to be more efficient, thus more effective. A plan for implementing these recommendations will need to be developed. Developing an action plan will take time as will implementing the action plan. Additional resources may be needed to put the plan in place. I will be seeking your input throughout the process and look forward to developing constructive plans to improve the organizational effectiveness of [Name of Institution]. Once again, thank you.

[Ed. This is a note from the employee, and I couldn't have written it better myself.]
Translation?

“The consultants have found out that I am worse than useless–in fact, I am a downright impediment to our progress. Thus, though one of the key recommendations of the consultants is to get rid of me, I am working desperately to conceal this from all of you. That is why, even though *another* one of their suggestions is that we have open meetings so you all have the illusion of shared authority, I am going to meet only with chosen directors. Any plan I come up with is not going to include input from any of you! Nothing is ever going to change for the better around here, not while I have anything to say about it!”

Wacky Manager Speak

Cubed00d — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:41:33 +0000

Just a few little highlights….
“We’re not trying to boil the ocean here.”
“Do you have any bandwidth to work on a support call?”
“We need to interface one-on-one offline post team meeting.”

Can’t Live…If Living Is Without You

Cubed00d — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 22:45:40 +0000

About that [employment contract] we talked about. You know that our business can’t run without you, your extremely important to the function of this organization, however we can’t make an exception for just one employee.
[Ed: Only managers have logic like this.]

Summary: Sell More

Cubed00d — Fri, 27 May 2005 21:41:02 +0000

To summarize, we have some ground to make up as we got a slower start out of the gate this year. Clearly, we must redouble our efforts towards meeting our revenue objective. This is our Number One objective for the year. The “trickle-down” effect of achieving our revenue plan by end of the second quarter will automatically ensure we make strides towards our goal of growing our key market segments. I am confident that if, in the last two months of this quarter we focus in unison towards revenue attainment, we will be on plan at the half-year mark, and thus be in a prime position for the remainder of Fiscal Year ‘03. [Ed. Never have I seen so many sentances to say one thing: sell more, damnit.]

Grammar Boss

Cubed00d — Sat, 23 Apr 2005 22:47:41 +0000

[Ed. These are highlights from a very badly worded email from the boss. My guess is that this company doesn't sell english textbooks.]
In an effort to streamline who does what in my department please direct your questions to the following areas. [Ed: Such as? ] Sometime in the real near future there will be a training session to show you how to some information yourselves. Being billed to domestic account can go to order entry. You can check the “customer service screen” and the notes will indicate if the request for credit has been made. Once the request has made you can check the next business day. Dennis and I spoke today and he is going to set it up once my time is free. Your help is needed to lighten Linda load.