Bullshit Job » Layoffs

Our Big Fat Greek Layoff

Cubed00d — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 20:53:28 +0000

We have a large group of our team who are leaving us for various reasons by the end of this week/month. We would like to have a get together tomorrow at the Big Fat Greek Restaurant at 11:30 a.m. to say our goodbyes and wish them all well in their future endeavors.

It is a pay for your own event. The managers will pick up the bill for the departing personnel.

Layoff Exitement

Cubed00d — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 18:53:52 +0000

As you are well aware, we have been experiencing a dynamic marketplace during Q3 and Q4. To ensure our competitiveness moving forward, recent job actions have consolidated and streamlined our product development teams. Let us redeploy our efforts and leverage our existing focus so that our new direction will bring us enhanced viability and momentum.

Contest: Best Terms For “Firing A Bunch Of People”

Cubed00d — Sat, 11 Mar 2006 23:21:00 +0000

Has your company recently had a “downsizing”, “restructuring”, or “staff reduction”? Sure we’ve all heard those before, but what about really CREATIVE BULLSHIT like “job action” or “payroll adjustments” or “right sizing”? Here are the best 10 that were sent in…thanks and enjoy!?
# Resource Leveling
# Job Abolishment
# Involuntary Departures
# Separation from the Organization
# Workforce Redeployment
# Headcount Reduction
# “Due to lack of work…”
# “The company has decided to move forward…”
# “Your job has been impacted.”
# Payroll Reduction Plan (PRP)

[Ed: PRP is my favorite. It sounds like saving money for retirement ....but NO, WAIT! You're fired! ]

Reward System

Cubed00d — Sun, 02 Nov 2003 23:02:15 +0000

[ed: This is an instant classic.]

The following email was sent to the staff after announcing a third round of layoffs and paycuts for remaining staff:
In these challenging times our “We Achieve” program is a great cultural support. Please recognize people who are role models for our values that are so important:

Motivation
Innovation
Initiation
Communications
Collaboration

For those who are new, please find the cards that represent each value at the reception desk. Bi-monthly we recognize the 3 people who received the most cards with rewards. [ed: Yes you heard it correctly, they are actually filling out cards of people who demonstrate the above traits and recognizing them for 'mission statement' compliance. I wonder what the recognition gift is? Hopefully, it's a fruit basket.]

That’s One Way To Say It

Cubed00d — Wed, 04 Jun 2003 22:34:49 +0000

Due to rough economic conditions we are required to cut cost to become more competitive, to achieve this we will be performing corporate streamlining.

Layoffs

Cubed00d — Sat, 20 Jul 2002 23:44:00 +0000

Due to the on-going economic slowdown in our industry, we are forced to take additional steps to manage costs and restructure the business. These actions are part of a global program to align the company’s cost structure with reduced revenue levels.