Bullshit Job » Motivation

Latecomers

Cubed00d — Thu, 01 Dec 2005 21:33:27 +0000

In order to increase morale, performance, and professionalism, all employees are required to be at work daily by 9am. All badges will be deactivated for entry after 9am, and employess that are late are required to have their manager come to the security desk and sign them in for the day.

Working Lunch

Cubed00d — Wed, 01 Dec 2004 18:53:06 +0000

To: [All]
From: [CEO]
Due to the recent events and the uncertain purchasing climate of the American consumer, we have been forced to make some changes at [Company]. Starting immediately, empoyees are asked to shorten their lunch hour to 30 minutes and work through that period. We need extra effort, drive, and focus to acheive in this challenging time. We would also like to reinforce our request that all time off, even if it is only a few hours for a doctor’s appointment, be cleared with your manager at least one week before that date. Adherence to these guidelines will be a factor in your periodic review.

An email weeks earlier:
To: [All]
From: [CEO]
…all salary increases or promotions at annual reviews are suspended until further notice.
[Ed: Screw it then, I'm off to lunch! What's the point!?]

Push That Envelop(e) Where?

Cubed00d — Wed, 28 Jul 2004 21:44:27 +0000

We have elevated the quality of our work, we have added exciting and challenging new clients to our roster, and some of the assignments we were privileged to work on this year continue to inspire our team to excel and push the envelop[e] [Ed: sp!]. I’d say we did quite well in living up to our core value — adding value to our clients, don’t you agree? [Ed: Oh yes sir!] That could not have happened without your dedication and hard work. Our team continues to excel and stretch itself to fulfill our mission and to live up to our core values. For that I am grateful to all. As a token of our appreciation, you will find a special Holidays gift in your next pay check — $100 Special Holidays Bonus (approximately). [Ed: What exactly does $100 'approximately' mean?] Treat yourself or someone you love to a little special something, you’ve earned it!”
[Ed: Thanks Boss, now I can pay my health insurance deductible!]

Reward System

Cubed00d — Sun, 02 Nov 2003 23:02:15 +0000

[ed: This is an instant classic.]

The following email was sent to the staff after announcing a third round of layoffs and paycuts for remaining staff:
In these challenging times our “We Achieve” program is a great cultural support. Please recognize people who are role models for our values that are so important:

Motivation
Innovation
Initiation
Communications
Collaboration

For those who are new, please find the cards that represent each value at the reception desk. Bi-monthly we recognize the 3 people who received the most cards with rewards. [ed: Yes you heard it correctly, they are actually filling out cards of people who demonstrate the above traits and recognizing them for 'mission statement' compliance. I wonder what the recognition gift is? Hopefully, it's a fruit basket.]

Snacks

Cubed00d — Sun, 01 Dec 2002 21:48:21 +0000

2 Emails Received…

It has come to VP of Development [name]‘s attention that the snack table in engineering has has exceeded $400 a week in costs. This is unacceptable, as we are trying to cut costs. A monthly budget for snacks has been allocated and when it’s out, it’s out.

Next email only minutes later:
Please welcome our new Project Manager, [name], he will be guiding our [project], which is already in progress. Please everyone assist him in getting up to speed.
[ed: I wonder how much this new, green Project Manager costs the company a week? And what is a Project Manager anyway? Seems like only Project Managers seem to know. I wonder how this guy scores on our quiz?]