Finest Bullshit of the Week...
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Grammar Bullshit:
[Ed. These are highlights from a very badly worded email from the boss. My guess is that this company doesn't sell english textbooks.]
In an effort to streamline who does what in my department please direct your questions to the following areas. Sometime in the real near future there will be a training session to show you how to some information yourselves. Being billed to domestic account can go to order entry. You can check the "customer service screen" and the notes will indicate if the request for credit has been made. Once the request has made you can check the next business day. Dennis and I spoke today and he is going to set it up once my time is free. Your help is needed to lighten Linda load.
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Wordy Bullshit:
To summarize, we have some ground to make up as we got a slower start out of the gate this year. Clearly, we must redouble our efforts towards meeting our revenue objective. This is our Number One objective for the year. The "trickle-down" effect of achieving our revenue plan by end of the second quarter will automatically ensure we make strides towards our goal of growing our key market segments. I am confident that if, in the last two months of this quarter we focus in unison towards revenue attainment, we will be on plan at the half-year mark, and thus be in a prime position for the remainder of Fiscal Year '03.
[Ed. Never have I seen so many sentances to say one thing: sell more, damnit.]
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Results of Layoff Contest:
Request: Send in your BEST NEW CORPSPEAK BULLSHIT NAMES for LAYOFFS!
Has your company recently had a "downsizing", "restructuring", or "staff reduction"? Sure we've all heard those before, but what about really CREATIVE BULLSHIT like "job action" or "payroll adjustments" or "right sizing"? Here are the best 10 that were sent in...thanks and enjoy!?
Resource Leveling -Jack
Job Abolishment -K
Involuntary Departures -H
Separation from the Organization -Dan
Workforce Redeployment -Sam
Headcount Reduction -Ivy
"Due to lack of work..." -Danielle
"The company has decided to move forward..." -A
"Your job has been impacted." -C
Payroll Reduction Plan (PRP) -David
Have more? layoffs@bullshitjob.com.
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Click Here for more REAL BULLSHIT on the " Weekly Bullshit Page".
Look familiar? Those are real memos. Seriously.
Boss got you down? Boss' boss got you down? Boss that isn't even your boss got you down? We feel your pain. Vent that pain here. Anonymously. Send us your emails. Send us your memos. Send us all the bullshit you can find. Is your job bullshit? There is plenty to go around, why not laugh at it? Find out more about this site.
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Manager's Corner aka. Piled Higher and Deeper
During the hiring process, keep the employee guessing by starting things off on the right foot. Here are some handy techniques. If possible, agree on a pay rate and then lower the rate due to "budget constraints" just days before start. In the rare event that the employee protests, take back the decrease and then raise the rate above the orginal level with no explanation. Furthermore, agree on a start date and then only days prior email them and delay the arrival of the new employee by only a few days. Try having the employee start on a Thursday or Friday. Advanced technique: Start empoyees on a day in which you are not in the office to receive them. Offer no explanation or apology. Old standard: Give the employee no chair or computer until the second day on the job. |
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