Bullshit Job » ceo http://www.bullshitjob.com Office bullshit, fun stories, pages, office quizzes and sounds Tue, 02 Aug 2011 17:10:00 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 New Forms Are Awesome, Huh? http://www.bullshitjob.com/2009/04/new-forms-are-awesome-huh/ http://www.bullshitjob.com/2009/04/new-forms-are-awesome-huh/#comments Sat, 25 Apr 2009 23:27:56 +0000 Cubed00d http://www.bullshitjob.com/?p=129 Embedded within a performance culture is the ability and desire to seek opportunities to enhance performance throughout the organization. I believe the Maximizing Claim Productivity Worksheet we have created will enable us to continue to find ways to improve our productivity, implement changes in a timely fashion and appropriately assess the impact of such modifications.

The leadership and willingness of the plan champions to accept a greater role in enhancing our Claim productivity is a sign of Excellence!

[Ed: Extra strength bullshit bolded for your convenience!]

]]> http://www.bullshitjob.com/2009/04/new-forms-are-awesome-huh/feed/ 2 Letter From CEO Translated http://www.bullshitjob.com/2009/03/letter-from-ceo-translated/ http://www.bullshitjob.com/2009/03/letter-from-ceo-translated/#comments Sun, 22 Mar 2009 20:50:15 +0000 Cubed00d http://www.bullshitjob.com/?p=125 Greetings to All: I want to thank everyone for their participation in the organizational assessment done by [Expensive Consultantancy Firm]. I have discussed their findings now on two occasions and feel this assessment and the implementation of recommendations are extremely important to our institutional health and viability. I am calling for a facilitated meeting with [the directors] to discuss possible next steps that in turn could be incorporated into formal recommendations to the Board. The assessment has identified a number of key areas for improvement. A well-thought out plan for addressing the concerns and issues brought forward by everyone will help us to be more efficient, thus more effective. A plan for implementing these recommendations will need to be developed. Developing an action plan will take time as will implementing the action plan. Additional resources may be needed to put the plan in place. I will be seeking your input throughout the process and look forward to developing constructive plans to improve the organizational effectiveness of [Name of Institution]. Once again, thank you.

[Ed. This is a note from the employee, and I couldn't have written it better myself.]
Translation?

“The consultants have found out that I am worse than useless–in fact, I am a downright impediment to our progress. Thus, though one of the key recommendations of the consultants is to get rid of me, I am working desperately to conceal this from all of you. That is why, even though *another* one of their suggestions is that we have open meetings so you all have the illusion of shared authority, I am going to meet only with chosen directors. Any plan I come up with is not going to include input from any of you! Nothing is ever going to change for the better around here, not while I have anything to say about it!”

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