Best Mission Statement Contest Winner:

[Company Name] is committed to establishing a heritage of integrity in the marketplace. We will accomplish this by building upon the talents and skills of each company representative to effectively support the diverse needs of our customers. We must also represent our broad range of business products with the utmost of professionalism and offer our customers unsurpassed service, holding true to the company motto, "We Mean Business".
[ed: Indeed!]

Reward System Bullshit:
[ed: This is an instant classic.]

The following email was sent to the staff after announcing a third round of layoffs and paycuts for remaining staff:
In these challenging times our "We Achieve" program is a great cultural support. Please recognize people who are role models for our values that are so important:

Motivation
Innovation
Initiation
Communications
Collaboration

For those who are new, please find the cards that represent each value at the reception desk. Bi-monthly we recognize the 3 people who received the most cards with rewards. [ed: Yes you heard it correctly, they are actually filling out cards of people who demonstrate the above traits and recognizing them for 'mission statement' compliance. I wonder what the recognition gift is? Hopefully, it's a fruit basket.]