Promotion Bullshit
Please help me in extending congratulations to [Name], he has just been promoted to Senior Web Developer. [Name] has helped us on many of our past projects and done a superb job. Now that we are expanding the team, [Name] is being promoted to a position of leadership amongst his peers. As an additional reward, [Name] will be receiving a laptop from the company. [Ed: You thank this poor guy by giving him a laptop so he take his work home at night and put in even more hours for your company? Some reward. I'd rather stay 'Junior'.]

Hiring Bullshit:
Please welcome [Name], our Creative Services Implementation Coordinator! He will be heading up or Design Team on the new [Client] project. [Name] comes to us from [Company Name], the female online sports clothing retailer.
[Ed: Four word title? Wow. Isn't that prominent 'female online sports clothing retailer' out of business?]

Buyout Bullshit:
As of Monday, [Company Name] is now a fully-ownded subsidiary of [Company 2]. We are pleased and proud to be party of the [Company 2] team! As you might expect, in the near future, we will have some administrative changes and benefits changes, as well as a review of procedure and organizational matters. Next Thursday during the lunchhour, we are having a voluntary (but highly reccomended) 'brown bag' meeting to answer questions and discuss events of this week. Please attend! [Ed: What, no pizza? Business meeting during the lunch hour? Maybe they sold to the wrong company.]