Finest Bullshit of the Week...
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Letter from the CEO:
Greetings to All: I want to thank everyone for their participation in the
organizational assessment done by [Expensive Consultantancy Firm]. I have
discussed their findings now on two occasions and feel this assessment and
the implementation of recommendations are extremely important to our
institutional health and viability. I am calling for a facilitated meeting
with [the directors] to discuss possible next steps that in turn could be
incorporated into formal recommendations to the Board. The assessment has
identified a number of key areas for improvement. A well-thought out plan
for addressing the concerns and issues brought forward by everyone will
help us to be more efficient, thus more effective. A plan for implementing
these recommendations will need to be developed. Developing an action plan
will take time as will implementing the action plan. Additional resources
may be needed to put the plan in place. I will be seeking your input
throughout the process and look forward to developing constructive plans
to improve the organizational effectiveness of [Name of Institution].
Once again, thank you.
[Ed. This is a note from the employee, and I couldn't have written it better myself.]
Translation?
"The consultants have found out that I am worse than useless--in fact, I am
a downright impediment to our progress. Thus, though one of the key
recommendations of the consultants is to get rid of me, I am working
desperately to conceal this from all of you. That is why, even though
*another* one of their suggestions is that we have open meetings so you all
have the illusion of shared authority, I am going to meet only with chosen
directors. Any plan I come up with is not going to include input from any of
you! Nothing is ever going to change for the better around here, not while I
have anything to say about it!"
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Wear your shoes!:
It's spring and summer is fast approaching. Keep in mind that each employee's dress, personal hygiene and grooming should be appropriate for the office. In addition, please note that shoes should be worn in the office at all times, including while sitting at your desk, for the purposes of professionalism and job safety. For details regarding the ****** dress code, refer to pages 25 to 26 in your employee handbook.
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Manager's Corner aka. Piled Higher and Deeper
During the hiring process, keep the employee guessing by starting things off on the right foot. Here are some handy techniques. If possible, agree on a pay rate and then lower the rate due to "budget constraints" just days before start. In the rare event that the employee protests, take back the decrease and then raise the rate above the orginal level with no explanation. Furthermore, agree on a start date and then only days prior email them and delay the arrival of the new employee by only a few days. Try having the employee start on a Thursday or Friday. Advanced technique: Start empoyees on a day in which you are not in the office to receive them. Offer no explanation or apology. Old standard: Give the employee no chair or computer until the second day on the job. |
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