Letter From CEO Translated

Greetings to All: I want to thank everyone for their participation in the organizational assessment done by [Expensive Consultantancy Firm]. I have discussed their findings now on two occasions and feel this assessment and the implementation of recommendations are extremely important to our institutional health and viability. I am calling for a facilitated meeting with [the directors] to discuss possible next steps that in turn could be incorporated into formal recommendations to the Board. The assessment has identified a number of key areas for improvement. A well-thought out plan for addressing the concerns and issues brought forward by everyone will help us to be more efficient, thus more effective. A plan for implementing these recommendations will need to be developed. Developing an action plan will take time as will implementing the action plan. Additional resources may be needed to put the plan in place. I will be seeking your input throughout the process and look forward to developing constructive plans to improve the organizational effectiveness of [Name of Institution]. Once again, thank you.

[Ed. This is a note from the employee, and I couldn’t have written it better myself.]

“The consultants have found out that I am worse than useless–in fact, I am a downright impediment to our progress. Thus, though one of the key recommendations of the consultants is to get rid of me, I am working desperately to conceal this from all of you. That is why, even though *another* one of their suggestions is that we have open meetings so you all have the illusion of shared authority, I am going to meet only with chosen directors. Any plan I come up with is not going to include input from any of you! Nothing is ever going to change for the better around here, not while I have anything to say about it!”

One Response to “Letter From CEO Translated”

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    I believe a few parts were missed in the translation, including “I have never had a single clue what the hell I’ve been doing, only now I’ve got a report from a consultant that says so, so I can’t claim otherwise any more. Maybe the same directors who I’ve already turned into simpering yes-men will be able to concoct some way to pull my head out of my ass. But don’t expect it to be fast, I will be continuing to say that I need more time and more money to make these changes. Until then, we’ll keep doing it the same way we were doing it, and any suggestion otherwise will be met with “need more resources” or “need to build consensus”.

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