Can’t Live…If Living Is Without You

About that [employment contract] we talked about. You know that our business can’t run without you, your extremely important to the function of this organization, however we can’t make an exception for just one employee. [Ed: Only managers have logic like this.]

Summary: Sell More

To summarize, we have some ground to make up as we got a slower start out of the gate this year. Clearly, we must redouble our efforts towards meeting our revenue objective. This is our Number One objective for the year. The “trickle-down” effect of achieving our revenue plan by end of the second quarter […]

Grammar Boss

[Ed. These are highlights from a very badly worded email from the boss. My guess is that this company doesn’t sell english textbooks.] In an effort to streamline who does what in my department please direct your questions to the following areas. [Ed: Such as? ] Sometime in the real near future there will be […]

Push That Envelop(e) Where?

We have elevated the quality of our work, we have added exciting and challenging new clients to our roster, and some of the assignments we were privileged to work on this year continue to inspire our team to excel and push the envelop[e] [Ed: sp!]. I’d say we did quite well in living up to […]

The Bennies Are Great Here…We Get WATER

The cleaning person left me a note saying that the coffee pot was left on last night and there was a small amount of coffee left in it. It is very important that we all are making sure that the coffee pot is turned off before the end of the working day. The people in […]

Emailing MP3s

Please refrain from using our email system to send MP3 or movie files within the company. We are trying to conserve our bandwidth for the website, and it’s expensive as you know. We don’t want any slowdowns or outages because our employees are using all the bandwidth for themselves! Thanks! [President] [Ed: Hey assclown, the […]

Email Signature of Boss

[ed: This appears on a boss email signature line. Use this one in a meeting and watch those manager heads nod with delight!] “Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by attacking back.”

Leadership Is…

Boss’ philosophy of what leadership is, articulated during a meeting: “If you look behind you, and someone’s following you, you’re a leader!” [Ed. Or maybe…you’re just an jerk who’s standing in front of someone else?] [Ed. Several years later, I met my ex-boss’ ex-wife at a restaurant. She says he is a drug addict and […]

Boss Quotes

These are conversations recently overheard at my job and taken from discussions in meetings. Most of the quotes are from my boss. “if the delta is 180 degrees it takes 2 weeks, if the delta is 360 degrees, it might take 2 months, so what’s the delta on this? a reasonable amount of delta will […]