Just a few little highlights….
“We’re not trying to boil the ocean here.”
“Do you have any bandwidth to work on a support call?”
“We need to interface one-on-one offline post team meeting.”
As you are well aware, we have been experiencing a dynamic marketplace during Q3 and Q4. To ensure our competitiveness moving forward, recent job actions have consolidated and streamlined our product development teams. Let us redeploy our efforts and leverage our existing focus so that our new direction will bring us enhanced viability and momentum.
Our CEO sent this email…
“I am looking for a consultant to work with one of our prospects to build the functional specifications for their new marketing database. This would be a great project for a small consulting firm or independent consultant. Thanks.”
The kicker is that we are a marketing company that builds databases.
The following appeared on a resume recently sent to my company…these bullet points contained the worst offenses, although the entire resume was quite a stinker. [Ed: I’m sure he was hired instantaneously.]
* Project: OMCR MIB/UI For CDMA EGP Feature
* Developed OMCR MIB/UI Enhanced Generic Processor feature for CDMA network
* Designed feature to have the capacities of FEP, CDP, OMP, CPP Devices, to improve their logical functions, and to reduce the number of those processors per transcoder Improved other performaces
Please be advised that the RVI system should NOT be used today due to the ITS/HSY integration. It will be available tomorrow. There is no guarantee that any items sent via the RVI system today will be available tomorrow and the system may not function as anticipated.
If you experience any problems, please contact your local ITS department or Support Services at the SSC.
[Ed. This has gone WTF (way to far? …or does that stand for something else?)]
An immediate improvement in personal presentation is required by some employees. The wearing of a [company] polo shirt is permitted at any time. If not wearing a [company] polo shirt then all male employees are required to wear business attire including a tie.
About that [employment contract] we talked about. You know that our business can’t run without you, your extremely important to the function of this organization, however we can’t make an exception for just one employee.
[Ed: Only managers have logic like this.]
Has your company recently had a “downsizing”, “restructuring”, or “staff reduction”? Sure we’ve all heard those before, but what about really CREATIVE BULLSHIT like “job action” or “payroll adjustments” or “right sizing”? Here are the best 10 that were sent in…thanks and enjoy!?
# Resource Leveling
# Job Abolishment
# Involuntary Departures
# Separation from the Organization
# Workforce Redeployment
# Headcount Reduction
# “Due to lack of work…”
# “The company has decided to move forward…”
# “Your job has been impacted.”
# Payroll Reduction Plan (PRP)
[Ed: PRP is my favorite. It sounds like saving money for retirement ….but NO, WAIT! You’re fired! ]
Welcome [Employee Name], our new VP of Paradigm and Creative Development! [Employee Name] comes to us from [Other Company] where he was Brand Manager in their Stategic Services Devision. He holds a BA from Vassar and an MBA from Harvard. [Employee Name] was responsible for internet visiblity for the [Product], which was recently sold to [3rd Company]. He office is next to mine along the north wall, drop by and say ‘hello’! Also, [Employee Name] will be joining us from now on at our weekly engineering team meetings to help us develop a more brand-inclusive product perspective.
Thank You ‘Gifts’: Reinforce the belief that hard work will pay off. Reward employees for extra effort or time, but consider a ‘thank you gift’ rather than actual money, promotions, or salary increases. Suggested are the following: plants, food/gift baskets, cakes, household items, sports tickets, or a dinner. Make sure the ‘gift’ is a fraction of the actual value of the overtime, it will save your budget and create a sense of compensation, without having to pay ‘full price’ for the extra production.