In order to increase morale, performance, and professionalism, all employees are required to be at work daily by 9am. All badges will be deactivated for entry after 9am, and employess that are late are required to have their manager come to the security desk and sign them in for the day.

Please help me in extending congratulations to [Name], he has just been promoted to Senior Web Developer. [Name] has helped us on many of our past projects and done a superb job. Now that we are expanding the team, [Name] is being promoted to a position of leadership amongst his peers. As an additional reward, [Name] will be receiving a laptop from the company. [Ed: You thank this poor guy by giving him a laptop so he take his work home at night and put in even more hours for your company? Some reward. I’d rather stay ‘Junior’.]

Our mission statement is: To “Make A Profit” by providing a quality product at a very competitive price, in a controlled systematic way, for a sustained period of time to each of our customers.
And yes make a profit was in quotes, capitalized, and underlined. This was mailed out to 1000 of our customers. [Ed. Doesn’t everyone enjoy making others rich? Damn ungrateful customers!]

As of Monday, [Company Name] is now a fully-ownded subsidiary of [Company 2]. We are pleased and proud to be party of the [Company 2] team! As you might expect, in the near future, we will have some administrative changes and benefits changes, as well as a review of procedure and organizational matters. Next Thursday during the lunchhour, we are having a voluntary (but highly reccomended) ‘brown bag’ meeting to answer questions and discuss events of this week. Please attend!

[Ed: What, no pizza? Business meeting during the lunch hour? Maybe they sold to the wrong company.]

To summarize, we have some ground to make up as we got a slower start out of the gate this year. Clearly, we must redouble our efforts towards meeting our revenue objective. This is our Number One objective for the year. The “trickle-down” effect of achieving our revenue plan by end of the second quarter will automatically ensure we make strides towards our goal of growing our key market segments. I am confident that if, in the last two months of this quarter we focus in unison towards revenue attainment, we will be on plan at the half-year mark, and thus be in a prime position for the remainder of Fiscal Year ’03. [Ed. Never have I seen so many sentances to say one thing: sell more, damnit.]

[Ed. These are highlights from a very badly worded email from the boss. My guess is that this company doesn’t sell english textbooks.]
In an effort to streamline who does what in my department please direct your questions to the following areas. [Ed: Such as? ] Sometime in the real near future there will be a training session to show you how to some information yourselves. Being billed to domestic account can go to order entry. You can check the “customer service screen” and the notes will indicate if the request for credit has been made. Once the request has made you can check the next business day. Dennis and I spoke today and he is going to set it up once my time is free. Your help is needed to lighten Linda load.

Please welcome [Name], our Creative Services Implementation Coordinator! He will be heading up or Design Team on the new [Client] project. [Name] comes to us from [Company Name], the female online sports clothing retailer.
[Ed: Four word title? Wow. Isn’t that prominent ‘female online sports clothing retailer’ out of business?]

To: [All]
From: [CEO]
Due to the recent events and the uncertain purchasing climate of the American consumer, we have been forced to make some changes at [Company]. Starting immediately, empoyees are asked to shorten their lunch hour to 30 minutes and work through that period. We need extra effort, drive, and focus to acheive in this challenging time. We would also like to reinforce our request that all time off, even if it is only a few hours for a doctor’s appointment, be cleared with your manager at least one week before that date. Adherence to these guidelines will be a factor in your periodic review.

An email weeks earlier:
To: [All]
From: [CEO]
…all salary increases or promotions at annual reviews are suspended until further notice.
[Ed: Screw it then, I’m off to lunch! What’s the point!?]

It’s spring and summer is fast approaching. Keep in mind that each employee’s dress, personal hygiene and grooming should be appropriate for the office. In addition, please note that shoes should be worn in the office at all times, including while sitting at your desk, for the purposes of professionalism and job safety. For details regarding the ****** dress code, refer to pages 25 to 26 in your employee handbook.

From now until the end of FY01, all engineering contractors are required tp submit their timecards in person, not via inter-office, by Monday morning by 2pm. Timecards will NOT be accepted on Friday any longer by Payroll. Those who are planning on being absent on Monday will need to have their manager approve the timecard and submit it for them on Mondays. Timecards received after 2pm will result in a one-week delay of payment.