T.E.A.M.

Posted in Acronyms, Boss on January 2nd, 2014 by Cubed00d — Be the first to comment!

So, at the bottom of every email my boss ends me is his signature. At the very bottom of the signature, it says:

“T.E.A.M. Together Each Achieves More”

By achieving more he must mean that the employee spends his time back pedaling all of his bosses mistakes and errors?

Great New Job Title

Posted in Job Title, Motivation, Promotion on November 18th, 2013 by Cubed00d — Be the first to comment!

This just in…

So, I had my annual evaluation yesterday. Well, every year without fail, they change my department around (I work for a PR firm). My job stays EXACTLY the same every year, but they call it something different every time.

Drum roll please…

This year I am… “Inter-Departmental Dynamic Motivational Officer

Chain of Command

Posted in Boss, Human Resources, Promotion on August 2nd, 2011 by Cubed00d — 4 Comments

I work for an ad agency a while ago which opened a new department who was tasked operating a new facet of our client relations.  The group was organized as such.

  • VP
  • Director of Sales (me)
  • Director of Account management
    • Account manger 1
    • Account manger 2
    • Account manger 3

Well after about a month of this the VP decided she has had enough and quits and then promptly goes on vacation.  A day later the Director of Account manager also quits.  But the company really doesn’t want her to leave so they offer her the position of VP of the Department and an incentive to say, which she accepts.

Return the original VP back from her refreshing vacation, during which she apparently discovered that being unemployed is not what it’s cracked up to be and promptly informs the company that she is staying.  So they say ok, and she is made Executive VP.

Now the department looks like this:

  • Exec VP
  • VP
  • Director of Sales (me)
  • No Manager
    • Account manger 1
    • Account manger 2
    • Account manger 3

Now nothing gets done and I have an extra boss.

BFF Consultants, LLC

Posted in Consultants on October 19th, 2010 by Cubed00d — 2 Comments

Our company hired some consultants to review our accounting software and procedures. One of them was a midget, but that’s not the funny part.

What’s funny is I found out the cost of the consultant group was $75,000. Their report said our accounting software is crap but we don’t have the budget leftover (after we paid them) to upgrade the software, convert to new software, or take action on most of their recommendations.

What’s even funnier is we’re hiring them to review us again next year.

Our Big Fat Greek Layoff

Posted in Boss, Layoffs, Meetings on June 24th, 2010 by Cubed00d — Be the first to comment!

We have a large group of our team who are leaving us for various reasons by the end of this week/month. We would like to have a get together tomorrow at the Big Fat Greek Restaurant at 11:30 a.m. to say our goodbyes and wish them all well in their future endeavors.

It is a pay for your own event. The managers will pick up the bill for the departing personnel.

Boss Boss

Posted in Boss, Meetings on June 15th, 2010 by Cubed00d — Be the first to comment!

Dear BS Job, three months ago my boss told us that we would produce a draft without discussing the project requirements with the VP first, in our boss’ words to “show we’re innovative”. Then we’d share the project with upper management, “wow them” and “invite feedback”. [Ed: I love how 'feedback' basically means 'harsh criticism' these days.] We did so, delivered on-time no less, and it sat on the veep’s desk for nearly a month. A week before product launch, VP looks at our draft, tells us it’s all wrong, and we have to redo EVERYTHING! Of course the veep blames our boss and the boss blames us, even though we did everything we were told.

Who is Marcia?

Posted in Boss on March 12th, 2010 by Cubed00d — 2 Comments

Dear BullshitJob, I am a helpdesk guy at a huge corporate campus…and let me tell you about a conversation between me and my boss regarding Marcia. I’m gonna copy you on some emails. [Ed: Here they are...]

Marcia is having a problem with her machine, can you call her?

Hi, sure, but a few questions:
1. Who is Marcia?
2. What is her phone number?
3. What is the problem she is having?

[Ed: three days later] Have you fixed Marcia’s problem yet?

I still need to know who Marcia is, how to contact her, and what the problem is?

What, she hasn’t called you?

No.

Oh, nevermind. She says it fixed itself.

I still don’t know who Marcia is.

Long Notice

Posted in Boss on February 26th, 2010 by Cubed00d — 13 Comments

I knew I was quitting, so I gave 2 month notice at my job. I know, two MONTHS? But I figured it was the right thing to do, and they could hire my replacement in plenty of time. After I gave notice my boss started treating me really badly. I called in sick a few days later, leaving a message on his voicemail, and the next day he changed the sick policy to say we had to personally call everyone in the department (about 7 people) when we were calling in sick.

Effective immediately, anytime you must call in sick you are required to call each person in the department to let them know you won’t be in for the day. You must repeat this each day you do not come in to work. Print out the phone numbers for each person and keep it at home so you know how to reach everyone.

Then my boss takes me aside, tells me I’m doing a bad job. I remind him I am quitting anyway and he threatens to fire me earlier than I plan on quitting, but in the end does not.

Four months later, he emails me out of the blue and tells me he has not found a replacement and asks if I will do some contract work. Of course I say no. I learned my lesson, never give 2 months notice again!

I have not found a sufficient replacement for your position. I am the only programmer currently in the department. Would you be interested in doing some temporary contract work starting on Monday?

The Non-Word Corpspeak Dictionary

Posted in General on December 10th, 2009 by Cubed00d — 2 Comments

These are from the same department at one company

Authorizator – refers to an individual with system administrative priveleges.

Acronymize – “We do not want to acronymize our product names for clients.”

De-Dupic” – “How this de-dupic process works . . .” referring to database “de-duping” process.

Grammatic – “Some people are just grammatic.”

It is what it is” . . . uhm . . . what is what what is???

Health Care

Posted in Human Resources on September 27th, 2009 by Cubed00d — 3 Comments

Our current American “heath care crisis” has given our company management the opportunity to cut benefits. Despite the insurance company raising our group rates a mere 6% this year, management has cut benefits to employees working less than 35 hours a week (previously it was 24) and is changing plans to one that requires more employee contributions and increased family deductibles.

Net savings for the company? Over 20%. Being the peon in HR, I am the one that gets to draft the memo that will be distributed to all employees telling them the news.